i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
