My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
