The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
