I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
