Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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