No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
