Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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