Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
