Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
