He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
