I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
