Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
