walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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