i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
God, I missed his penis.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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