Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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