he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
