just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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