Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
