I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
