Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
