Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
