something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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