someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
