Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
