I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Randomize
