i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
