i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
