worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
