the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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