tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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