If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
