Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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