singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
