My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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