how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
