happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
