It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
