Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
