i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
