I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
