The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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