I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
