I'm drive I can fine osifer
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
