I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
