I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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