did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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