Your dad touched me again.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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