I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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