my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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