exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
