hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
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