You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
